When Someone Is Struggling, We May Not Always See It
Suicide Prevention Month: Struggling Does Not Always Look the Way We Expect
September is Suicide Prevention Month. This is a time to bring conversations about emotional pain, connection, and help into the light.
When we imagine someone who is struggling, we may picture a person who has stopped functioning or withdrawn completely. But emotional pain is not always that visible.
Sometimes the person struggling still shows up for work. They care for their family, answer everyone’s questions, make people laugh, and ask whether anyone needs something before finally sitting down. They may be the person others consistently describe as “the strong one.”
This can happen at any age. A child or adolescent may hide their struggles, too. They may continue attending school, completing assignments, participating in activities, or reassuring the adults around them that they are fine.
Not everyone who is struggling looks like they are struggling.
When Strength Becomes a Role
Being strong can be a wonderful quality. Sometimes, however, it becomes a role a person feels unable to step out of.
The dependable friend may worry about burdening others. A parent who holds the family together may believe there is no room for their own needs. A child who is praised for being mature or responsible may learn to keep difficult feelings inside.
Over time, people can become so accustomed to saying “I’m fine” that others stop asking.
That is why checking in matters.
What Struggling May Look Like at Different Ages
Emotional distress does not look the same in every person. It can also appear differently in adults, children, and adolescents.
An adult who is struggling may:
Seem more withdrawn or disconnected from others.
Experience significant changes in mood, sleeping, eating, energy, or interest in activities.
Express hopelessness, shame, unbearable pain, or the belief that they are a burden.
Begin giving away meaningful possessions,
Begin taking unusual risks, or talking more frequently about death.
Children and adolescents do not always express emotional distress through words. Sometimes it appears through changes in behavior.
A young person who is struggling may seem:
More withdrawn, irritable, angry, anxious, or unusually quiet
Less interested in friends, activities, or things they previously enjoyed
More tired or experience noticeable changes in sleeping or eating
Overwhelmed by school, friendships, expectations, or family stress
Hopeless, trapped, ashamed, or convinced that they are a burden
Preoccupied with death or saying that others would be better off without them
One change does not necessarily mean that someone is suicidal. What matters is noticing patterns, significant changes from the person’s usual behavior, and statements that suggest hopelessness or a desire to die.
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends taking warning signs in young people seriously. Even statements from very young children about suicide or wanting to die should never be dismissed as attention-seeking or something they are too young to understand.
How to Begin the Conversation
You do not need perfect words. Begin with what you have noticed:
“I’ve noticed that you seem quieter lately. How are you, really?”
“You have been carrying a lot. You don’t have to pretend that everything is okay with me.”
“I care about you, and I want to understand what you’re going through.”
Then pause and listen.
Try not to immediately correct, minimize, lecture, or solve. Instead of saying, “You have so much to be grateful for,” or “Everything will be fine,” let the person know that their feelings can be spoken aloud without judgement, frightening you, or pushing you away.
If you are concerned that someone may be considering suicide, ask directly:
“Are you thinking about suicide?”
Asking this question does not place the idea in someone’s mind or increase suicidal thoughts. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, asking directly can open an important conversation and help identify someone who needs immediate support.
If the answer is yes, remain calm, stay with the person, listen without judgement, and connect them with professional or emergency support. Do not promise to keep suicidal thoughts a secret.
Connection Can Be a Lifeline
One conversation may not be enough. Continue checking in.
Reach out again tomorrow. Invite them for coffee or a walk. Sit besides your child without demanding immediate answers. Just listen. Let the person know that needing help does not make them weak, difficult, or a burden. .
Connection cannot replace professional care when it is needed. However, ffeeling connected to supportive family members, friends, trusted adults, schools, and communities can be protective. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention identifies support and connection with others as important protective factors.
Sometimes helping begins with a simple message:
“I’m here”
“I’m listening”
“You matter to me”
“You do not have to carry this alone”
Help Is Available
If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional distress or a suicidal crisis, call or text 988, ot visit 988lifeline.org to chat with a trained crisis counselor. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.
There is light in each and every one of us - even when we can’t see it.
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